The 3D's and the Captains- Part 1

Sunday evening, and what can I say, I'm a boring girl, when left to my own devices. I had a day off (rare and surprising) and I have spent it beading and watching movies and talking endlessly on the phone with Lauren, and NOT cleaning my room or grocery shopping. I figure I can live off of old pizza for another few days, at least. The jist of this mundane day, however, is that I'm left fairly bereft of interresting commentary to make on this page. So, in the face of writers block, I do the most logical thing: stop trying to write something, or do anything that makes any sense. So, in the spirit of being as rediculous as possible (as well as a tad nostalgic, I suppose), I present you with a piece of writing from sometime in my highschool years, Lauren and I believe it was grade twelve. It was written as a tandem exercize between Lauren and myself, and there may have been consultative contributions by one (long lost) Cassie Radsaak. Here goes nothing. I give you, The 3D's and the Captains, Edition One, Part One.

THE ADVENTURES OF THE 3D’S AND THE CAPTAINS
EDITION 1
By Lauren M. and Bethany J.


“Help! Please, for the love of God!!!”
The wimpish and pathetic cries for help polluted the air, as our heroine began to immerge from her sleep. As she heard the screams for assistance, she shot up in bed, grabbing her glasses and straining to identify the voice.
It was Simpson.
“Geez Louise!” she muttered, “Can’t that kid go a friggin’ day without crying for help?”
Hauling her legs over the side of the bed, our heroine (Bethany A) slowly made her way to the walk in closet of the master bedroom. Turning on the overhead lights, activating the room’s disco ball and bringing the surround sound stereo to life, she began shifting through wardrobes – until she found what she was looking for.
The costume was yellow and purple, with a large monogram blazing on the chest reading ‘S.D.’
Hesistantly she began to dress in the lycra superhero suit, dreading having to save such a bone head from yet another accident. Groggily, she muttered her motto, though for who she had no idea, old habit and the traditional ego trip, she supposed.
“Have no fear, Super Duchess is….” Bethany sighed, “around here somewhere, so keep your pants on, Simpson.”
With a sudden jolt of energy from a sip of Mountain Dew on her bedside table (a good energy supplement she found, also good for warding off bad guys with the usual impotency threats) Bethany A kicked out her window, taking to the skies to save Jeff Simpson from another ‘life threatening’ situation.
After flying through the Tim Horton’s drive through for an English Toffee Cappuccino (embarrased by being short changed. When questioned, she answered ‘look at the ducks!’) Bethany A arrived at an intersection somewhere in Sarnia (her sense of direction was shot at 7:30 AM) she found the ‘victim’….an overweight teen answering to Jeff Simpson (or Butthead, if the subject should arise) trapped under the weight of his Super Bike.
“Geez Louise, Jeff, if you get trapped under that bike ONE MORE TIME, I’m gona edit this thing and turn it into a scooter.”
Jeff wimpered helplessly in response, as the amazing heroin rescued him once again. Suddenly a gust of wind rocked them both almost off their feet.
“*Gasp, wheeze* Am I too late?” A tall girl in a lime-green catsuit stood menacingly before them, a small puddle of cappucino forming around her super-hero boots from the cup in her hand.
“Out all night and too tired to fly again, I see.” Super Duchess reprimanded her fellow colleague.
“Captain Gorilla Arms and I had a date.” Super Damsel responded meekly.
Bethany started lecturing her (Damsel KNEW she had super hero duties to attend to in the morning, she should NOT be going out late with the Captain), to which Lauren responded “Quack fucking quack.”
Super Duchess was not surprised. Super heros these days were not the way they use to be- ah, the days of comic books, the way it should be.
Noticing their blubbering victim once again, Lauren quickly carried out the routine of flying him home and telling him-forcefully- NOW STAY PUT!!!, she flew back to Super Duchess’ side.
“I took care of that cappucino tab for you.”
Smiling tiredly (Superheros never get to sleep in), Bethany asked how the date went.
They flew back to Super Duchess’ house together, and flopped on her bed while they read her new magazine and analyzed Captain Gorilla Arms and the wimpy Jeff’s behaviour.
“Do you mind if I get out of this thing?” Damsel asked Duchess, picking at the wedgie her catsuit was giving her.
“’Once in uniform, a heroin should never revert back to the alternate personality unless there is no more crime. ie, the day (or night, whichever one fight’s crime in) is over, the comic, or cartoon, ends, or (if this ever happens) the police finally start doing their jobs.’” Bethany quoted from the super heros handbook, which she had read cover-to-cover.
Groaning, Lauren knelt down next to Bethany where she played her video game.
The animated Super Duchess on the screen performed a spectacular move to escape some evil villains.
“Hey,” Lauren commented, “you can’t do that.”
“None of us can do the things we do in video games in real life.” Bethany said ironically.
“What do those kids think we are?” Wondered Super Damsel out loud. “Super?”
“If it’s not one thing it’s another.”
After hours of bitching and over-analyzation about the horrors and drama of being a Super hero in today’s lazy-assed society, the girls were interuppted by an over-bearingly illuminated object in the sky. Bright lights spelt out the words ‘Your Earth is mine!’ in the evening sky.
Neither girls gave it any thought.
“Hugh’s advertising again,” was the only comment, from someone at Bethany A’s bedroom door. A medium sized girl, wearing a feathery yellow chicken costume stood in the door way.
“Hey Cass – uh….what happened to the usual leather dress?”
Cassie looked down at her costume.
“Oh crap! I grabbed the wrong costume AGAIN!??!”
Bethany A and Lauren looked at each other, irritated. It was getting hard to be taken seriously as a crime fighting trio when they were seen flying around town with a big hen.
The girls gathered their things (matching pink lady purses – their trademark accessories) and decided to answer Hugh’s call – the light in the sky was his way of reaching all of his colleagues. Another stop at Tim Horton’s was required – the girls couldn’t be anything less than fashionably late.
When they finally arrived at Hugh’s house, they found him in his usual crime fighting costume, his blue sweatpants with Hanes His Way underpants over top, and the Cookie Monster sweater his grandmother gave him when he was eight years old. A green towel fashioned as a cape, and he adorned the Scream mask on his face, for that extra ‘sassy edge’.
To acknowledge their prescence without leaking their true identities to possible spies in the park, (a.k.a their worst paparazzi enemy, Sneaky Mark) Hugh nodded solemnley and motioned them in. Once the girls had FINALLY untied their knee high crime fighting stalleto heeled black leather boots, Hugh cried
‘To the basement!’ and they flew down the steps, executing perfect landings. Except Cassie, her beak got in the way, and she crashed in the landing.
Everyone settled on the crime fighting love seat for their next mission, as Hugh took to the podium.
“Welcome, Fab Five!” he cried, with the traditional greeting of mission meetings.
“Ahoy, Captain-Mastermind-Who-Organizes-Everything!”
Hugh ground his teeth, enduring their greeting. No matter how badly he insisted on ‘Dr. Death’, no one took his name seriously.
“I’ll begin this meeting by acknow- Cassie what the hell are you wearing?”
Cassie sighed, beginning to turn a little red.
“Uh – her crime suit’s in the cleaners” Super Duchess covered for her.
“I see. And what shall we call you until you’ve gotten your Super Diva suit back?”
Captain Gorilla Arms piped up from under the pile of superheros.
“Captain K.F.C.!”
“Fine, let’s get on with it. Your mission is as follows; The Elecrtric-”
“The Electric Head?!”
“Not him again!”
“Oh DAMN!”
Super Duchess, Super Diva, and Super Damsel said in unision- Captain Gorilla Arms just groaned.
Hugh cleared his throat like a teacher who had been interrupted by his students.
“AS I was saying, The Electric Head has managed to take over the Biggest Super Energy Generator In America-”
“That place has such a stupid name.” Cassie intergected, and got a look from Hugh before he continued,
“and is sucking energy from the plant to gain his strenght for another one of his attacks on my world.”
“THE world, Hugh.” The others corrected him for the millionth time.
“Anyway, the power he’s stealing is supposed to go to the rocket NASA has created to destroy that immense meteorite that is threatening to destroy earth, but the thing can’t fly without power. So, we have to sneak into the power plant, disconnect The Head’s illegal power stealing wires, (and his stolen cable TV), restore the energy flow to the rocket so it can bash that meteor before it smushes us, AND fight The Electric Head who already has enough energy to fight us, and he’s getting more every minute. That is your mission, now go to it.”
“I don’t wanna.” Wined Kevin, still being crushed underneath everyone else who was packed solidly into the loveseat. “I’m comfy, and I haven’t eaten in 12 mintues – you can’t expect me to go squish the plans of a super villan on an empty stomach!”
Hugh gave up. Chucking his gavel across the room, he decided getting any order from the crimefighting love seat was impossible. “I’m gonna go see what I can find out about the Electric Head’s super top secret base. Shot gun on the Super Bike.”
Super Duchess and Super Damsel looked at each other painstakingly. Damsel decided to break the news.
“Uh – Hugh? Jeff took the Super Bike out for a spin this morning and….”
“Let me guess” Hugh interuppted “he got stuck AGAIN. If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times, no going through the crime fighting garage! The Super Bike is mine! Great, I guess I’m driving the Crime Fighting jet.”
Captain Gorilla Arms looked guilty, giving Hugh a sheepish look.
“Uh – Hugh, I kind of…”
“Let me guess, you parked in an unauthorized jet zone AGAIN. I’m sick of paying for your damn parking tickets – you’re a super hero for god’s sake – you can save lives but you don’t understand parking authority? Fine, I’ll take the crime fighting Hummer. No wait, it’s getting body work. The crime fighting stationwagon. Nope, it’s still loaded up with clothes from the 3D’s shopping spree. I guess I’ve got the crime fighting ten-speed bicycle with the basket on the front and the bell on the handle bars.”
Cassie sniffled. “I kind of tripped on it on my way in and…”
“I’M TAKING THE FREAKING CRIME FIGHTING BARBIE POWER WHEELS – IS THAT ALRIGHT WITH THE REST OF YOU?!?!?!”
Hugh stormed out of the room, and the rest of the Fab Five heard his footsteps all the way to the crime fighting garage, where the crime fighting Barbie power wheels was kept. (Well “quack fucking quack” was heard muttered from the crime fighting basement).
The rest of the heroes took again to the air, splitting up after planning a counterattack on the Electric Head.
Captain Gorilla Arms was to divert the Head’s henchmen’s attention (after a quick pit stop at the slushee machine at Seven Eleven for a Mean Tangerine slushee). Super Diva was to use her brute force to storm the power plant, and begin the attack (which decidedly would be difficult in her chicken outfit). Super Damsel was to seduce the Electric Head away from his positioning, so that Super Duchess could disarm the operation.
“Alright gang, let’s go get him!” Captain Gorilla Arms cried.
Little did they know, that during all of their mid-flight planning, Sneaky Mark had hitched a ride on Super Damsel’s cape. Stealthily, he jotted down everything, putting together his next issue of The Sneaker, his daily newspaper which updated the Fab Five’s missions. As well as putting together his paper, Sneaky Mark decided he would sell the information to Jeff at a good price, because after the super bike incident, Jeff was a little bitter against the Fab Five altogether.
As Hugh and Lauren sped off to the Head’s secret base, Cass, Kev, and Bethany A took off for the power plant. At the front gates Cassie surprised the Electric Head’s guardsmen with her Super Crime Fighting Power Punch (appropriate, she thought), and would have beat them all to a pulp in moments, except that her feathers got in the way. Captain Gorilla Arms came to her rescue, and looped some titanium bars around the guards to keep them out of the way. That got them inside safe and sound, and Kevin left the two girls to stop the stealing of energy themselves, while he went to go supervise the meteorite-crushing rocket. Besides, Super Diva’s feathers were making his allergies act up.


Will Super Duchess and Super Diva get the illegal-power-sucking wires cut in time? Will Super Damsel be able to defeat the Electric Head? Will the rocket get off the ground to destroy the meteorite? And will Captain Gorilla Arms ever get something to eat? Tune in next time for Part 2 of the Adventures of The 3D's and the Captains!